Your email program has an attachment style: And its anxious

February is when everyone pretends to understand love. 

Chocolate companies lean into romance. Jewelry brands deploy urgency. And email senders everywhere decide that hearts, countdown timers, and “just give us one more chance” subject lines are the path to re-engagement. 

Here’s what you need to remember:

Valentine’s Day doesn’t enhance brand romance, it just exposes bad relationships. In a big way.

And if your email program only performs well when there’s a holiday to hide behind, you don’t have a campaign problem, you have an attachment style problem. 

This is a safe space, so let’s talk about it.

Just like in relationships, your email program has patterns or behavioral tendencies that reveal how secure (or insecure) your strategy really is. But Mailbox providers don’t judge intent, they observe behavior. Here are some of the ones that stick out.

This is the sender who can’t let it go. 

You send an email about the sale. Then another one. Then a “reminder.” Then a “final hours” email. Then a “we extended it just for you.” Then a “seriously though, last chance.” 

You think you’re nurturing, but subscribers think you’re hovering. 

Either way, your e-blast feels like a love bomb and it’s not landing well. In fact, the word is cringe.

Anxious senders operate from scarcity. They panic when engagement drops. They over-send because silence feels like rejection. They manufacture urgency because they don’t trust the relationship to survive without constant poking. 

Signs you might be Anxious: 

• Sending the same message multiple times with slightly different subject lines 

• “Just checking in” emails that are really “please buy something” emails 

• Re-engagement campaigns that sound like desperate pleas 
  (“Do you still want to hear from us? Are you sure? Please click yes so we know you still love us”) 

Avoidant and dismissive 

This is the sender who ghosts. 

You disappear for months. No emails. No updates. No relationship maintenance at all. 

Then Black Friday rolls around and suddenly you’re back, asking for money like nothing happened. 

Avoidant senders only show up when they need something. There’s no nurture, no value-add, no “just saying hi.” Every email is begging for a transaction. Every message exists to extract value. 

And when subscribers don’t respond? You don’t notice. You just move on to the next campaign, the next holiday, the next opportunity to sell — without ever building trust. 

Signs you might be Avoidant: 

• Only emailing during sales or major holidays 

• No content or relationship-building emails — just “BUY NOW” 

• Treating your list like an ATM instead of an audience 

This is the sender who can’t pick a lane. 

One week you’re emailing daily. The next week, radio silence. Your sale “ends tonight,” then mysteriously extends for three more days. You say “exclusive,” but send it to everyone. Your voice shifts constantly. Your cadence is unpredictable, you’re hot, then you’re cold.

Disorganized senders create confusion.

And confusion doesn’t quietly convert, it loudly complains and then gets sent to spam.

Subscribers stop knowing what to expect from you. And when your emails do arrive, they’re met with “Why am I getting this?” instead of “Oh good, it’s them!” 

Signs you might be Disorganized: 

• Wildly inconsistent frequency 

• Endless “final” sales that train subscribers not to believe you 

• Mixed messages (“We miss you, have a coupon” immediately followed by “SALE ENDS NOW (and your coupon doesn’t stack)” 

Secure 

This is the sender we should all aim to be. 

Secure senders have predictable cadence. Clear value. Honest messaging. They don’t manipulate with fake urgency or panic when one campaign underperforms. 

They understand that inbox access is a privilege — not a right. 

Trust is built through dedication, not desperation. 

Signs you might be Secure: 

• A consent-based subscription process 

• Consistent sending schedule subscribers can anticipate 

• Clear value exchange (you promised X, you deliver X) 

• Segmentation based on actual behavior 

• Easy preference management and unsubscribe options 

• Subject lines that reflect what’s actually inside 

If you want to move from anxious, avoidant chaos to a secure strategy, you need to understand what your subscribers actually want from you. 

Spoiler: it’s not sweet talk and urgency. 
And it’s definitely not heart-shaped boxes of chocolate (because with those, you never know what you’re going to get). 

Subscribers want to trust you. Mailbox providers need to in order to let you in the gate.

That means: 

• Subject lines that reflect reality 

• No bait-and-switch tactics 

• No faux urgency (“Sale ends tonight!” …but it doesn’t) 

• No fake scarcity (“Only 3 left!” when there are 3,000) 

When you say a sale ends, it should end. When you say something is exclusive, it should be exclusive. When you promise value, you should actually deliver it. 

Fake urgency isn’t just annoying — it’s often against mailbox provider guidelines, and sometimes even consumer protection laws. Gmail explicitly calls out misleading or deceptive content in theirs. 

But beyond compliance, lies erode trust. 

And trust is the only currency that matters in the inbox. 

Email isn’t an infinite scroll app. It’s a finite space where messages linger as long as subscribers allow them to. 

If someone saw your email and cared, they probably kept it. They don’t need seventeen reminders with slightly different subject lines. 

Quality time means: 

• Not sending the same message over and over 

• Not treating every inbox like it needs constant stimulation 

• Looking beyond surface metrics to understand how messages land with real humans 

If someone clicked a sale but didn’t convert, don’t send another generic blast. Acknowledge interest. Offer something relevant. Then let it go. 

Quantity isn’t intimacy. 
Intentionality is. 

Subscribers want real value, not “value” that’s just a thinly disguised pitch. 

Real gifts look like: 

• Content that’s genuinely useful or entertaining 

• Exclusive offers that are actually exclusive 

• Post-purchase recognition that acknowledges the relationship shift 

One of the fastest ways to feel invisible is making a big purchase, then immediately receiving generic promos as if nothing happened. 

Receiving gifts means recognizing where someone is — not pretending they’re still a stranger. 

This is where many programs fail spectacularly. 

Acts of service mean making the relationship easy. 

That looks like: 

• Preference centers with real options (not “all or nothing”) 

• Segmentation based on behavior, not guesses 

• Easy unsubscribe paths (because trapping people isn’t loyalty) 

Give people a middle ground. Let them choose cadence. Let them tell you what matters. 

Preference centers aren’t optional. 
They’re an act of respect. 

Some subscribers want frequent communication. Others don’t. 

The key is figuring out what they want not what you need. 

This means: 

• Matching cadence to expectations 

• Respecting the context of how and why someone subscribed 

• Understanding that more touchpoints ≠ more engagement 

If the relationship feels one-sided – constant asks with little given in return – people take control however they can. Like with the ‘spam’ button. 

You’ve diagnosed your attachment style. 
You know which love languages you’re neglecting. 

Now comes the work. 

When someone makes a purchase, the relationship changes. They’re no longer a prospect, it’s official. They’re a customer. And continuing to treat them like a stranger who needs convincing is insulting. To both of you.  

The fix: Segment purchasers out of generic promotional campaigns (at least temporarily) Send post-purchase emails that acknowledge the transaction If you’re going to email them about a sale they just used, make it better than what they already got 

If your only options are “subscribe to everything” or “unsubscribe forever,” you’re forcing people into extremes. And extremes lead to unsubscribes.  

The fix:  

• Build a preference center that lets people choose frequency, content type, and topics  

• Make it easy to access (footer of every email if not earlier).  

• Actually honor the preferences people set 

Urgency works when it’s real. It fails when it’s fabricated.  

The fix:  

• If a sale ends, let it end  

• If you extend it, be transparent about why (“We had technical issues, so we’re extending 24 hours”)  

• Use real urgency (limited inventory, actual deadlines) instead of manufactured panic. 

Re-engagement campaigns can work. But “Do you still want to hear from us? Are you sure? Please click yes so we know you still love us” is not a strategy. It’s clingy and neurotic, and that’s never attractive.

The fix:  

• If someone hasn’t engaged in months, send one well-crafted re-engagement email 

• Give them a clear choice: update preferences, stay subscribed, or unsubscribe  

• If they don’t respond, let them go  

Chasing people who don’t want to hear from you tanks your reputation and annoys the people who do. 

Go back to the beginning of the relationship. What did people sign up for? A loyalty program with perks? Weekly tips? Early access to sales? New product announcements?  

The fix:  

• Audit your signup forms and welcome series  

• Make sure you’re actually delivering on those promises  

• If you’ve drifted from the original intent, course-correct or reset expectations  

The origin story matters. If you promised one thing and delivered another, subscribers won’t stick around. 

Mailbox providers care abvout technical signals, but they also watch how people respond to your emails — often in ways your ESP can’t show you. 

Anxious sending creates fatigue. 

Avoidant sending creates confusion.  

Disorganized sending creates distrust. 

Secure sending builds trust. 

Trust builds sender reputation that translates into inbox placement. Valentine’s Day will come and go. The chocolate will be discounted. The hearts will disappear. But how you show up in the inbox? That’s the relationship. 

Make it secure.